What? A Movie About Me?

Well, sort of, but not quite.

I had a movie made today. Of my colon!

Doesn’t that sound like something to watch over a plate of the awesome chicken stew I made yesterday?

Here is how it went down.

I am a typical bad boy, having not had a complete physical done by a doctor in over 5 years. At my age, that is very naughty. Who knows what is happening inside my 50 something body?

After much procrastination, I finally went to the local walk-in-clinic, which had a sign out front saying they were accepting regular patients. I got in to see the doctor within 15 minutes, and he proceeded to question me, prod me, listen to my lungs and heart, take blood pressure and pulse readings, and tell me I needed 2 tests. One was a complete blood workup (which looked at urine as well) and the other was the colonoscopy. I had heard of these things, and the thought of a tube going where the sun don’t shine did not excite me, but, I was already in the doc’s bad books for my 5 year lapse, so …

I got the call on Dec 30th from the clinic, explaining what I needed to do in preparation.

Step 1 – no food the day before the test (just water)
Step 2 – take 2 packets of Pico-Salax the day before the test
Step 3 – plan to have someone drive me home after the test

OK. Step 1 will be very painful, but I can do it. Step 3 can be solved with a cab, as the clinic was not far away, which would keep the cost down. Step 2? What is Pico-Salax? The pharmacist told me that it is an oral purgative.

I then discussed the whole thing with my dad, as he had done this several years ago. His main advice? Once you take that purgative, stay steps away from a bathroom.

At 2pm on the day before, I took the first dose of the purgative. I had arranged to go home at 2 pm so I could be close to the “john”. The instructions say you should have noticeable effects within 3-4 hours. I am glad I listened to my dad, as within 30 minutes I was sitting on the throne.

Well, that was the way it went for the next 9 hours, as I visited the men’s room regularly, and drank ridiculous amounts of water (part of the routine).

INTERJECTION: Other than cause me to act as if I could now pee from 2 separate openings, I had no real obvious effects from the purgative. My theory is that since I am heavily into raw vegetables and fruits, all that fibre is already doing a good job of keeping me “purged”.

I slept well, waking up once about 3 am to use the washroom.

It was finally time to head to the clinic. Got there about 30 minutes before appointment time and was handed several forms to fill in. I was then taken to a small dressing room where I got to put on one of those very flattering hospital gowns, with the open backs that you do your best to hold closed. A nurse led me to a standard hospital gurney where I lied down on my back. She covered me with a sheet. Here I waited for what seemed like a long long time.

Finally I was wheeled into the “OR”. It was just like on TV, with the nurse beside me as she wheeled the bed down the hall! She then put one of those little tubes at the front of my nose, which she told me was for oxygen. The anesthesiologist came in and inserted one of those needles in a vein on the top of my hand, and we talked while we waited for the doctor.

The doc came in, talked a bit about what was about to happen, asked some questions, and then had me turn on to my left side. The anesthesiologist inserted a needle into the gadget on my hand and I commented that it felt cold. He said it was fresh from the cooler. My eyes started doing funny movements, and I remember telling everyone in the room that it felt weird, and that was the last I remembered.

I woke up about 1 hour later in the recovery section, with a feeling in my head that was not quite the same as dizzy, but I knew I would not be able to stand up. I felt no pain and no discomfort. The doc came along and told me the scan found nothing abnormal and that he would see me again in 5 to 7 years. Yippee!!!

I recovered quickly and ended up taking a bus home to save money. Was in my apartment about 2.5 hours after they initially put me to sleep.


  1. Dominic says:

    Did you get the video? It would interesting to get an inside view of oneself.

    [GR replies: Ya. I was thinking of asking them if they sold them, like the way you buy ultrasounds of your baby, but in my groggy stupour afterwards I forgot.]

  2. Les says:

    You should have asked for a souvenir t-shirt. I have peed from both holes too. I on the other hand didn’t need a purgative. Lakeport lager seems to have the same effect. Another fine contribution from the Hammer!

  3. kristina says:

    ewwww that is gross!! both your play by play and my husbands added thoughts digusting!

  4. Annette McCall says:

    Hi, your dad and I think that your experience was soooo funny, we both laughed until the tears were rolling down our cheeks. Good for you. That was a real grownup thing to do, and now you will go for your annual checkup Won’t you.
    When I had it done they just gave me a pill and I got to watch the whole thing on the T.V and talked to the doctor while he was doing it
    I Kind of get exicitable when I have an anisetic so I prefer not to have one.

    take care
    Dad and Annette

  5. VS says:

    LOL @ Domenic….I think I have to take a pass on the “inside view” video. I’ll wait for the sequel.

    Glad to hear everything went well.

    [GR responds: Just to warn you – the sequel is scheduled for 2015. 2016, or 2017.]

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